SHOPPING REVELATIONS
If you heard somebody crying in the dressing room in Express at Opry Mills last week, chances are, that was me. I haven't stepping into an Express in YEARS! I was probably in middle school the last time I did. It was expensive. Nothing in there looked good on my unique build. It was made for older women and didn't suit my too-cool-for-middle-school self. It was the early 2000s and sleek and tailored was for old ladies. I was going more for the sporty spice look.
As I grew older, not being aware of my fixed mindset, I never went back into Express. I grew into their target demographic, but I still never even thought about crossing the threshold into the store. I wouldn't fit into anything they had in there, and if I could, I couldn't afford it, anyways. So, I just never went. Well, last week, a coworker with a VERY similar build (seriously, we're mistaken for each other every day) was telling me about how much she loved their dresses. I'm thinking, surely, she's lost her mind. "We can really fit into their sizes?", I asked, genuinely shocked. Well, apparently she shops there all the time and loves how they fit, so after informing me of their 50% off sale, I decided to roll the dice and go.
Now, normally, it's all good up to this point, but as soon as I get my little heart set on something, I slip it on and step in from of the dreadful, florescent lighting, and I shutter. I shutter at the fit, the rolls, the breadth of my shoulders, hell, even my pores look huge. I braced myself for this same experience, but I sacked up and went anyways. I found a couple of the dresses I had been eyeing online, naturally grabbed the biggest sizes they had (XL), and trudged for the dressing room. Well, imagine the shock and aw on my face when I slid the sequined dress over my head, and IT WAS TOO FREAKING BIG!!!! TOO BIG!!!! NOT TOO SMALL!!!! What universe was I living in?!?! I've been a XXL girl, basically my whole life! Was I really standing in a dressing room in Express in an XL dress that was TOO FN BIG?!?!?!
I had totally forgotten. I've lost 35lbs this year. But, I was so used to being bigger, that I usually avoid shopping. I shop when I MUST for clothes. I've been rocking the same wardrobe for damn near a decade, with the exception of a piece or so a year that I add to replace something that shredded or got put in the dryer with an ink pen. I hate shopping because I hated facing the reality that my body looked bigger than I felt. I had to face the extra weight in my not favorite places, and I had to face that I was nearly impossible to shop for because of the limited amount of plus size clothing and the even more limited amount of plus size clothing that fits my unique, carrot-shaped frame. But, like, imagine the most top-heavy carrot you've ever seen. That's me. Hard as hell to shop for.
But, now that I've lost 35lbs, and I'm standing in a dressing room in a dress that's too big, I freakin lose it! I was in total disbelief, like it was too good to be true. But, it wasn't. I had done the work. I let the realization wash over me, and I got filled with gratitude, excitement, and a little sassiness. But, as I left the store, I had another realization. I had been limiting myself because of my fixed mindset. I had been depriving myself, cheating myself of a great experience because I had it in my head that 1) Express was too expensive 2) I was too big to fit into Express clothing and 3) that I wouldn't like anything in that store. All of these things were once true for me, but things change. I aged, matured, shrank, and became more financially stable. I will continue to grow. It was a huge lightbulb moment when I realized what I had been keeping myself from because I hadn't changed the way I thought about something despite growth in other areas. No doubt, some day, I'm going to look back on this and laugh because I was upleveling from Target to Express. Someday, I'm going to look back on this, sitting in a sports bra and workout pants that didn't come from a bargain rack and give so much thanks that I'm now in the best shape of my life and able to afford luxury items. Because NOW, I know they are available to me. And that knowing changes everything.
Until next time,
-Mer x
