WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE? PRESSURE OR FUN?
I've missed you! But, boy, I haven't missed feeling like I HAD to show up in a certain way, all the time, no exceptions, so recently, I hit pause on some things. I learned a lot from that space of pause. And, holy crap am I glad I let myself hit that button, because I could only imagine how full-blown mental breakdown I could have gone into if I hadn't.
The move, unpacking, new routine, family coming to stay for a month at the new house, trying family experiences, health, work, time, ahhhhh! It felt like I was just trying to make it to the next thing in one piece, just trying to get through it all to get back to a place of normalcy.
That's when and where I gave my power away. That's when I started to stress. That's when I realized that I was always stuck in a state of serious. And, if you've met me, you know that serious is NOT who I naturally am... but it was who I was BEING.
I had the awareness to know that I was uncomfortable. And I had some ideas of where I could make adjustments, but the ideas and adjustments were coming from a place of judgement and pressure. Not helping.
Well, recently, I met somebody knew. She asked me what I did for fun. I was stumped. I had to think really hard. And then everything that I could come up with that I did for fun, I hadn't done in a long time. That was a breakthrough for me. I had created so much pressure around my life that I had completely removed fun from my existence. That's not the kind of life I was meant to lead. I am meant to live an extraordinary life full of fun, abundance, and experience. Pressure and stress had become the dominant FEELINGS in my experience. They didn't feel good, and they excluded fun.
So, I started to ask myself, why do I feel so far removed from fun, from play, from enjoyment? The honest answer, I felt like I didn't deserve it. I had all these goals that I hadn't reached. I had a to-do list a mile long. I was going somewhere, damn it, so I didn't have time to stop and smell the roses. I always felt like there was something I SHOULD be doing, and as a working mom and multi-entrepreneur, time is such a valuable resource, so fun didn't make my list of how I SHOULD be spending my time. Please notice all the judgements I was making about myself, my resources, and my time. Should-ing all over myself. That's not nice. And yet, for all of me, it took months of this building before I realized how I was sabotaging myself, even with my knowledge of LOA and vibration.
Even though I own my own businesses and set my own deadlines and timelines, I fall into this trap that I created. I completely manufactured this huge sense of pressure in my life and businesses to "get there", complete things, be successful, make a huge impact, and I felt behind compared to societal standards, and my own. With all this (completely fake) pressure, there was no room in my life for things that weren't productive, serious, and work. I made no space in my life for real FUN. The present moment was robbed because I was constantly thinking about what I should be doing instead, what I was going to do next, and all of the pressing things on my to-do list.
Well, after months and months of this pressure on top of life's other twists and turns, you better believe that some unhealthy coping mechanisms started to tempt me.
All the obligation and no room for anything other than work left me in a vulnerable position. I found myself rationalizing the junk food. Things I know aren't good for me suddenly became justified.
I was always under so much stress, I "deserved" the chocolate and the wine. I "deserved" to stay up late, scrolling through my phone. I "deserved" to go out with friends after work to decompress.
The thing is, it's totally possible to create a life you don't have to decompress from when you create fun in your day to day experiences!
When you don't leave room for fun, even in the small moments, just being present, eventually, those rationalized things that you "deserve" become a pattern. They aren't enjoyable. You resent them, but you grow to depend on them because they're all you have to let go, relax, decompress. And, they move you further from your goals.
Unhealthy patterns can sneak in a really take over without us noticing. And, for me, once I noticed, the pattern was already so engrained, and though I knew it was costly, I felt like I needed it.
Guess what happens next? A SPIRAL!!! The more you cope, the more time and attention you take away from your goals. The more time you take away from your goals, the worse you feel and the more pressure you create. I could go on and on, but I just want to paint this picture for you as a Line 3/5 in Human Design (it's literally my life purpose to have tons of experiences, some that are perceived as failures, to project back to the world the best ways to do and not to do things).
If you ever start to feel all the pressure caving in, all the expectations and stress building, take a minute and ask yourself,
Who created this pressure?
Who's expectations am I basing my life on?
As the creator of your own reality, you can release that pressure valve.
Inspect the standards you're holding yourself to.
Are they yours? Why are they yours, or whose are they, if they aren't?
When we you taught to link your value to performative measures?
When did you begin to equate your worth with how much work you do?
I'm here to tell you, those things are entirely fake, made up, and manufactured. You get to decide if you buy into them.
What I do recommend buying into: infusing fun and play and pleasure into your life on a regular basis. When you don't starve yourself, you may not feel the need to binge and develop dysfunctional patterns. When you leave room for fun, you keep your vibration high, and I guarantee THAT alone, will afford you more productivity, flow, and creativity than any pressure you could possible put upon yourself. So, choosing fun is best for everyone! Why else are we here, if not to enjoy our experience and help to uplift the vibration of the planet?
